#selfie

My trusty companion!
Disclaimer: If I should die,
please burn this immediately.
Thanks ;)

Today not only marks the final day of Term 1 of my 2^nd year, but also the final page of the 4^th journal I’ve completed since arriving here. I’d never kept a journal before coming to Uganda and I doubt I’ll continue it much longer after arriving home, but I’m so thankful I’ve made it a point to jot down some small passage of everyday I’ve lived here.

This journal started off with the decline into my lowest point in country and now it’s ending with the highest.

After reading through some old entries, I felt like I’ve been a very selfish person. So many sentences started with “I”.

“I want to go home.”
“I hate this feeling.”

“I can’t stop crying.”

It made me think about how much of an emotional roller coaster this experience is. How we come here to help others, but it’s 110% true that we get more than we could ever possibly give. In the grand scheme of things, me as one person isn’t going to make that big of a difference and when I leave, no one will ever fully understand what it was like here. That feeling of uselessness is very common among PCVs and it was something I definitely struggled with. But now I’ve come to realize that it’s ok to feel like I’m here for me. All we can really do is try to be a better person than we were yesterday. So this has led me to some serious reflection time about myself, who I used to be and who I am now.

This time of “finding myself” again has been full of its own kind of surprises. It kind of freaks me out how much I’ve changed in the last 17 months and I wonder how I’ll see and be seen once I’m back home. At the same time, I keep rediscovering things that I’ve somehow forgotten about myself. For example, last night I put in my headphones and cranked up some Slipknot at full volume while lying on my couch with my eyes closed (something I’d do back in the day to unwind). It was simply therapeutic.

I never realized how much I miss my car. Not only for ease of transportation, but for the fact that it’s a place I could be totally alone. I could drive anywhere playing whatever music I wanted singing as loud as I could and no one would be around to hear. I could release built up frustrations or scream with joy when I was there. It was my place to get away. A place I was totally free to be myself.

Of course we weren’t created to live in total solitude, but this doesn’t mean we need to rely on people for our happiness either. I feel like I was doing too much of that last year and it only led to a decrease in my self confidence. This year, I feel like I’ve gained back my independence and can enjoy being with people without feeling the need to be with them. It’s refreshing.

Anyway, this post has kind of changed directions in my head about five times now, but I think the point I’m trying to make is that sometimes it’s good and healthy to be a little selfish. Coming to this realization, as well as having some remarkable friends, family, and community members by my side, has really put me in a great place. I’m super happy and content with where I am right now, and really, isn’t that what life’s about?